Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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