You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
