The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
