There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
