Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
