Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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