no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
tell me about the eggs
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
