As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
