Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize