FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Two words: nipple clamps
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