rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
