Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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