i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
