Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
