I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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