mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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