I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
