I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
