The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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