I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
