Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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