Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
