I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
