better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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