My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
