There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
