She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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