Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
