If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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