yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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