i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
