when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
