Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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