to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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