I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize