she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
