Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
