Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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