Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
