Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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