I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
