I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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