i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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