My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
