I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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