i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
