Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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