That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
