I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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