I hate all girls vehemently.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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