I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
