Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
