just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
