Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
