Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
