This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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