No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
worst night to have a conscience
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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