shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
